Another Star Wars Talkshow: Episode III
by Lady Celebare
Summary: *Chapter 2 Up*We're back! I've seen loads of talkshow fics around lately, so I figured it was safe to try another. Come on into my Talkshow Tower for some wacky Opra-esque fun! NEW: non-moive characters!
1. Enter: The Fruitbar

**Notes: **This probably goes against the new Fanfiction.net rules, but if you think about it, my talkshows really do have a plot… a common thread, if you will.  I also spend hours on each chapter.  They're no less worthy than those crazy humor fics about the Star Wars people getting really out of character… so I decided, what the heck?  I'll start a new talkshow.  This time we've got fewer people to ask questions of, but requests can be made in case I forget someone important.   The list is as follows:

Episode I: Qui-Gon Jinn

Episode II: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker, Padme Amidala, Dex the Bartender, Jango Fett, Mace Windu

Episode IV: Grand Moff Tarkin

Episode VI: Luke Skywalker, Leia Oragana Solo, Han Solo, Chewbacca, Darth Vader

Non-Movie Characters: Bossk the Trandoshan, Mara Jade (keep in mind I haven't read the New Jedi Order series), Grand Admiral Thrawn, Aquel Faemir ('cos her freakish Qui-stalker ways are funny)

Blade: We're back!  For the third time!  Wohoo!

Luke: Does that mean the public loves us?

Blade: Yes, Luke my boy, it does.

Mara: Luke 'your boy'??  He's my boy!!

Luke: I'm my own boy!!

Blade: Fine! (sticks tongue out at Mara) I have Obi-Wan!

Mara: Isn't he dead?

Blade: Only in your timeline.

Mara: …oh.  (gets confused)

Obi-Wan: Not again… (sighs)

Blade: Wassamatter, Kenobi-Wan?

Obi-Wan: You!  That's what's the matter!  You keep tormenting me!!  Why??

Blade: Because it's fun!!

Obi-Wan: You know what would be fun?

Blade: What?

Obi-Wan: Letting us host the show!

Blade: Hmm… you're right… excellent idea, my dearest Kenobi-Wan.

Obi-Wan: (shivers) Please don't call me that.

Blade: Sorry, my Kenobi-Wan.

Obi-Wan: That either.

Blade: What am I supposed to call you??

Obi-Wan: How about by my name??

Thrawn: What, oafy-Wan?

Obi-Wan: No!  (cries) I'm so abused!!

Anakin: (sniggers)

Blade: (boots Anakin into a pool of sharks with freakin' lasers on their heads)

Anakin: AAAAAAA!!! (jumps out)

Blade: Hmph.  Fuzzball. 

Aquel: Are we going to get this show started or- OOO!  Qui-Gon!!! (runs to him)

Blade: Hey!  Didn't you read the infamous sign??

Audience: No smooching on her talkshow!

Blade: Very good.  You're all learning. (ties Aquel to a chair) Phew… now that that's over with-

Tarkin: Wait, aren't you supposed to have a random crossover character?

Blade: Oh yeah!  Hmm… who can I torment this time… (ponders) I've got it!

Tarkin: Who?

Blade: Jareth the goblin king from The Labyrinth!

Bossk: Who?  Is he tasty?

Blade: …no.  He's cool!  He's got little spinning marble thingies!

Bossk: (disappointed) Oh.

Dex: Ever stop to think that maybe they don't know what the Labyrinth is?

Blade: Ever stop to think the only reason I have you on here is became you're Kenobi-Wan's friend??

Dex: …nope.

Blade: -.- (snaps her fingers and a barn own lands on her shoulder, then turns into Jareth) Welcome, Goblin King.

Jareth: Thank you.  (sits down next to Obi-Wan)

Obi-Wan: (edges away slowly)

Blade: All rightee, let's get this show started!  Please ask questions in your reviews, and don't forget to vote on a host!!


	2. In Which the Insanity Commences

Blade: We're back! That's right, ladies and gentlemen, your favorite talkshow is-

Qui-Gon: I get to be a host? Really??

Blade: What _are_ you going on about, Jinn-and-tonic?

Qui-Gon: Jinn-and… what? (He scratches his head, then shrugs) I got voted to be a host!

Obi-Wan: So did I.

Qui-Gon: (folds his arms into his sleeves and gives a regal look) Who's the Padawan?

Obi-Wan: …I'm the Padawan…

Qui-Gon: And who's your master?

Obi-Wan: (sighs) Qui-Gon is my Master…

Qui-Gon: Who gets to host?

Obi-Wan: (mutters) You.

Anakin: Hah! Now you know how I feel!

Obi-Wan: No Anakin, nobody knows how you feel. Besides, I'm not an abusive master!

Qui-Gon and Aquel: WHAT??

Obi-Wan: Uh… nothing…

Blade: Fine, Qui-Gon Jinngersnap cookies, you can host.

Qui-Gon: Jinnger… what?? I'm confused…

Aquel: Aww, my poor Qui is-

Blade: HEY! You stay away from him, creepy!

Qui-Gon: As first act as a host, I'm getting rid of this ridiculous sign. (He uses the Force to shred the offending smooching sign)

Blade: Wait, you can't do that!!

Qui-Gon: Yes I can! (smooches Aquel)

Everyone: Eeew…. Old people porn….

Blade: Can you _please_ start the questioning?

Qui-Gon: Oh fine, have it your way. (picks up the little questioner datapad) Biblehermione, you're up!

Biblehermione: Dex- Here, you need this. *hands over a bottle of Shout!*  


Dex: (takes the bottle and sniffs it) This smells quite offensive!

Tarkin: Not as offensive as you, greasy!

Dex: Hey! Watch who you're callin' greasy!

Jareth: (takes a sniff) Hey… this is the stuff _I_ use.

Blade: For your speedo pants?

Jareth: My… what?

Biblehermione: Anakin- Kelly loves you. She played that shirtless scene over 10 times in slow mo then licked the screen.  


Anakin: O.o

Luke: Gross! I don't want to know this stuff!!

Leia: People would have licked the screen when you were in the bacta tank on Hoth if the glass hadn't made you look like a fat man in a diaper.

Fat Bastard: I resent that!

Leia: O.o

Biblehermione: Obi- I got the CUTEST vision the other night! You and Padme kissing! Awwww!  


Anakin: WHAT??

Obi-Wan: (glances around furtively, then leans over and gives Padme a _big_ kiss)

Audience: Awww…

Anakin: (foams at the mouth)

Obi-Wan: (grin)

Biblehermione: Leia- How long is your hair? 

Leia: Just long enough to roll into danish shapes.

Biblehermione: Luke- I named my baby brother after you. :)  


Luke: Really?? Coool! 

Mara: We named our son after Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan: Really?

Mara: Yes.

Aquel: (sniffling) She turned out so well, didn't she?

Mara: …beg your pardon?

Aquel: Oh, uh… nothing.

Blade: (mutters) Stupid inner personalities messing with my plot…

Biblehermione: Mace- DUDE! You are so cool! You were a question on The Weakest Link. O.o

Mace: I… was? (flattered) Why thank you.

Blade: Yes, but nobody kicks as much booty as Darthy-boy Vader.

Vader: (heavy breathing)

Blade: (jabs Qui-Gon with a sharp stick) HEY! Next questioner! Now!

Qui-Gon: Ow! Fine! (looks at datapad) Oh dear.

Blade: What?

Qui-Gon: Saturn's next.

Anakin: Aaa! Anything but that!!

Blade: Hey! She brought the remote! Cool!! (takes it and presses a few buttons)

Anakin: Aaaaa!!! (his arm flies off and sparks around on the floor)

Blade: (sniggers and hands the remote back to Saturn) Go ahead and whack fruitbar man with the bubbly hammer.

Saturn: (beats Anakin over the head with a pink bubble-hammer)

Sagedate: (Suddenly pops in) Obi, you are going to call me right?

Obi-Wan: Wha-  
  
Aleena: (pops in also) go away!! stop hitting on my lover!! once in the lift was one thing but-

Obi-Wan: (looking very confused and distraught)

Saturn: SHUT UP!! YOU'RE GIVING AWAY STUFF IN MAH FIC!!  
  
Sagedate: what? oh you mean like how Tarika and Obi are-  
  
Saturn: SHUT UP!! *whacks Sagedate with bubble hammer*  
  
Aleena: WHAT?!

Padme: What???

Obi-Wan: (gulps)  
  
Blade: Just how many lovers have you had, Obi-Wan?

Obi-Wan: Uh… well… (gulps)

Blade: Can I be one??

Obi-Wan: NO!!

Blade: Aww…

Qui-Gon: O.o

Aquel: (waves a hand) Wohoo, over here!

Qui-Gon: Oh… yes. (goes back to smooching Aquel)

Blade: Hey! You've got a job to do!!

Qui-Gon: (ignores her)

Blade: Grrr…. (steals the host microphone and gives it to Obi-Wan) There. Now host!!

Obi-Wan: Yay! (hugs the mike) Here's an old friend, Celeb Ryu the Jedi!

Celeb: MACE!! (coughs) Er, I mean… hullo, Master Windu.

Mace: (edges away) Hello Celeb…

Blade: Oh dear…

Celeb: I've got a question for you, Mace. Will you sleep-

Mace: NO!!

Celeb: Aww…

Blade: O.o

Celeb: I've got another question. (whispers something in Mace's ear)

Mace: WHAT??

Celeb: You heard me.

Mace: I refuse to divulge that information, especially to a stalker!!

Celeb: Aww…

Obi-Wan: O.o; Ok, Thalia has some questions…

Thalia: 1) Has anyone ever noticed that in anime kids shows, the grand father's always the one in trouble. I mean, in English stuff, it;'s the attractive member of the opposite sex, but no, not in Japan. What's up with that? I hate those stupid shows. Die, shows, die!  


Blade: You're right… the creepy old man syndrome. (shudder)

Thrawn: What did that have to do with Star Wars?

Blade: Nothing.

Thrawn: Oh. All right.

Thalia: 2)Dex,what's up with you? I mean, really. What's your problem? You haven't been laid in a while, have you? Or do you and Obi-Wan have something going on that we should know about...?  


Obi-Wan: O.O!!!

Dex: I'm highly offended by that question! I would never be unfaithful to my droid- er, I mean… my wife.

Everyone: Eeeew……..

Thalia: 3) What do you think of all the weird pairings. I've read alot that you wouldn't be so pleased with. Yoda/Chewie, Emperor/Jar-Jar, Jango/Obi-wan/R2-D2... well, no, but what do you do, what *Do* you do?  


Chewbacca: RWWF????? (tears a few things apart)

Obi-Wan: O.o;

Blade: Emperor/Jar-Jar? Now _that's_ funny…

Obi-Wan: I think I'm going to be sick…

Blade: And one last thing: an apology to Satine Kenobi. I'll try not to torment my dearest Kenobi-Wan so very much anymore. And there concludes the second chapter! Though I must say, I'm a little disappointed…

Jareth: Whatever for?

Blade: (shrugs) We didn't get as many questions as I thought we would. But I'm not complaining! Remember, folks, this fic depends on your questions, even the random, stupid ones! Oh, and we need a new host. (steals the magical hosting mike from Obi-Wan) So vote! 'Till next time!


End file.
